That Feeling

You know that feeling when you’re just waiting, waiting to get home into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day, that feeling of both relief and desperation? Nothing is wrong, but nothing is right either, and you’re tired, tired of everything, tired of nothing, and you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay, but no one’s going to be there, and you know you have to be strong for yourself because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting, tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else, tired of being strong, and for once, you just want it to be easy, to be simple, to be helped, to be saved, but you know you won’t be, but you’re still hoping and you’re still wishing and you’re still staying strong and fighting with tears in your eyes. You’re fighting.

Going Alone

“I put on a smile and say I’m fine and try to hide the sadness I feel inside. But when I’m alone the tears start to flow and I can no longer hold them inside.”

You know those moments when you want to cry and hug someone, but can’t do either because you don’t want to let yourself break down? the moment when you’re feeling so alone? and everything is hurting you? that you feel so helpless? the only thoughts that are in your head are negative and it makes you feel totally alone, like you don’t mean anything to anyone. all you want to do is tell someone how you feel, but you don’t want their pity, and even if you could tell someone, nothing would come out right. you don’t want to laugh or smile, or whine, or argue, or even be stubborn or difficult, you just want to go to bed and cry and hope this feeling passes, and sometimes it does, but it always seems to come back. you feel like you will probably search your whole life for that one person that you can totally trust that you can love forever, who will never ever hurt you, but you know somewhere deep down that you’ll probably never find her. She probably doesn’t even exist, so you just give up, you want so desperately to be alone, but at the same time you fear it so much.

Alone with you – Alone with me